Monday, 16 January 2012

Don't Look Back

Well, despite plans for an upbeat post about my personal goals for 2012 I found myself faced with the squat presence of The Diabetes Toad today.
I was cleaning out the fridge with Frank, who loves the emptying out bit but then disappears for the cleaning!
I took a moment to remove the photos adorning the fridge door and found The Toad, waiting for me as I took in the pictures of my boy on this piece of furniture in my home.
A piece that I go to every day, multiple times.
And my breath was knocked out of me.
As I thought, "He didn't have Diabetes then..... or then ... oh, that's the holiday in Cornwall, he didn't have Diabetes there either ... or when he was eating that apple there in that cute picture ... oh ... oh, hello Diabetes Toad, you're back for a bit are you?"
And so it goes.
I well up and feel like crap and hate this disease that takes over our lives as well as too much shelf space in our fridge and home.
And yet ... and yet ...
He lives.
We live.
It is hard, but looking back in this way only encourages the Diabetes Toad and he's too big for his boots anyway.
Let's cut him down a peg or two.
So don't look back.
Except in love and acceptance.

The Diabetes Toad lurks for all of us, I know he does, but these days I can give him a nod and clean out the fridge and get on with my day.
An example of this for this very minute:
the full-on life force of Frank has just manifested itself by running into the room with his winter hat on backwards, arms stretched out sideways and saying "Ninja!" (we have a bit of a Scooby Doo & the Black Samurai fetish going on, especially in the build up the Chinese New Year too!) At this display the Diabetes Toad disappears in a puff of smoke and life is good.
Life is sweet.

I end with a gratuitously cute picture of my boy, four years ago, in the bath, the spitting image of me at that age.
He didn't have Diabetes then either but that's OK.
Blessings and Toad-free days to all!


  1. Hard stuff, this looking back. It's OK for the moment, then it just can crush us if we let it. Look ahead, look ahead, look ahead.
    And that is one gorgeous picture of baby Frank. Definitely bribe-worthy in the future when he is a teen! :0)

  2. I had a moment like this just the other day. We were preparing a "birthday board" for Addison's upcoming birthday and I had just been going through photos all the way back to Addison's birth. I came across the photos from his stay in the hospital when he was diagnosed and I was taken aback by a wave of emotion. Hard stuff indeed.

  3. Ah, the Toad...he's been croaking at me these past few days. Must change my focus...thanks for the reminder!

  4. A big hug across the miles for you.

  5. The Toad. Yes...he hops here as well, but still hasn't materialized into a prince. Your boy is absolutely adorable!!!!

    Keep looking ahead...HOPE is always ahead.

  6. I read this post when you first put it up, and it made me cry. This is a huge stumbling block for me, the BEFORE/AFTER. I think you can see it in our whole family, not just pictures of Isaac. We are all changed from that date. The awful part is that many people believe that because TJ has diabetes that the diagnosis of Isaac is no big deal, they are very wrong, I think it hit him harder than anybody. But you're right, sometimes it is better to just not look back. The future is still amazingly bright :)

  7. The Diabets Toad - that is a great phrase! That will stick with me. Before/after moments are so tough - hats off for ending on an hopeful note.

  8. i love that image of the squat diabetes toad, infringing on your regular brainspace. away with you, ugly toad! that photo does the trick quite nicely. :)