We are all in the gutter (but some of us are looking at the stars)

It's been dawning on me rather slowly that I may well be more than a little exhausted.  

Our nights have improved over the past week but my rhythms are still out of whack and three months of blood glucose testing around two or three times between midnight and seven in the morning has really, and please excuse the crassness of this, kicked the crap out of me.

It's the other D-word: depression.

It's not major, but I feel it. 

 I am walking through treacle.  

Everything is an effort and yesterday evening after one hell of a long homeschooling day in which Frank was full-on needing my time and energy from half six until bedtime and couldn't seem to settle to doing anything independently, I took to the sofa, lay under a quilt and cried.  

Andrew made dinner.  

Frank looked startled and bustled off to make me a heart-shaped card.  

And I cried. And cried. And cried.

And then I got up and had my cheese on toast with salad and chatted a bit to my boys.  

Andrew went out to his poetry group and, once Frank was asleep, I watched a documentary (Forks over Knives, in case anyone was wondering). 

I needed that release.

Living with a chronic condition is deeply unforgiving.

It is extreme.

An extreme way of living.

And, boy, does it take its toll.

~ time at Musa, alone, a few weeks back, with tea and an inspiring book ~

I hadn't intended to post about this as I try hard to be upbeat. 

But it cannot be denied that I am 45 years old and cream crackered!*

My energy levels are really low at the moment and yet as a D-parent I am running a marathon.

Jinkies.

So, this is how I intend to move forwards.

I will not be visiting my doctor as I am not in need of medicine.

I choose, instead to look to the light and to a sense of personal possibility.

I choose to look up at the stars, from my personal gutter!

I will be making some changes in my lifestyle and might even post about them here, although I feel terribly shy about it at the moment.

Some of the ideas in my head at present involve

• major dietary overhaul with a view to eating a mostly plant-based diet and cutting out the processed foods and caffeine.
• researching sleep, blessed sleep, and how I can get me more of that magical stuff (I'm thinking naps in the daytime whilst Andrew has Frank)
• fresh air and movement (not always easy in damp, chilly northern Europe but not impossible either and I can swim at the local pool)
• less screen time in order to fit other things in (and perhaps a new computer as mine takes an age to do anything!  I can hang the washing out whilst it gets ready for me to send an e.mail!!)
• writing down my goals and values, a kind of personal manifesto if you will, as I am so fuzzy of head that I barely know the day of the week at the moment
• more creative space for myself 
• getting back into reading novels (and this one first)

We go away tomorrow morning to Dorset, Thomas Hardy country, to visit my sister and her lovely family on their dairy farm.

We have rented a cottage in the stunning village of Cerne Abbas.  

Cerne Abbas is well known for this chalk figure carved in the hillside!

(Brace yourselves, anyone clicking on that particular link! )

A cottage we have rented twice before and love.

I am sooooo looking forward to a change of air and to a little time to reflect on my personal manifesto for this spring and summer.

I will be back with the muffinmoon manifesto soon.  

It feels weird to out this all in such a public space but I want to be accountable, even just to myself, but this is as good a place as any to get it all down on virtual paper.

Thus, stay tuned for more and also for pictures of my gorgeous nieces Matilda and Nancy with their cousin Frank!

 Here's a taster form Kersey in Suffolk this Christmas.

~ Matilda & Frank ~

~ Nancy ~

Much love.

xxxx

*cream crackered is Cockney Rhyming slang for knackered, ie. very tired

Choosing Love

Well, hello there!  

This post has been a long time coming and for that I apologise.  

It's a long one too, so you might want to grab a cup of tea!

My blogging mojo upped and left me way back in the autumn and is slowly returning as the winter turns to spring.

Once out of the routine of blogging it can be hard to get back into the right frame of  mind again.  And I have struggled to put my feelings into words.  Struggled to be authentic, because that's what I aim for and I never wish to write from a place that isn't authentic.

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So, here, in the middle of February I welcome 2013 with my resolutions of Simplicity, Vitality and Community as my aims. 

My lovely husband and I spent New Year's Eve reflecting on the year gone by and on what we hoped for for the coming twelve months.

2012 was a difficult year for me when I look back at it.  

And when life is difficult for me, it is difficult for my little family.  

It's a simple equation.

I felt more tired.  More overwhelmed.  More in need of solitude.  Less engaged in my own life.

Reading this it looks like I was depressed.  But I don't think I was!

Just processing some things and moving from one phase of my life to another, maybe.

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In the autumn we had a difficult time at our hospital appointment.  Frank's HbA1c was its highest ever and I had to look the kind doctor in the eye and admit that I had been running him a little high as I was so very fearful of him dying in the night.

I cried, in the doctor's room and in full view of Frank, and spelt words out so that he wouldn't hear me say words like "die".  

That dark ball of fear in my gut was exerting its hold over me and in that room I had to admit it and face it down.

Anyone with young children knows that sleep can be elusive.  

Have a child with Type 1 diabetes and sleep, good, solid, restful sleep, is like gold dust!!   

Andrew doesn't wake in the night much and so all the night testing is mine and all the fetching of water is mine too.  I do it gladly but it takes its toll on my 45 year old body!

I was trying to get more sleep but it's a false economy of the most awful sort to do what I was doing.  It wasn't terrible but I was failing Frank and needed that wake up call in the doctor's room to bring me back in some way.

I truth I still have that ball of fear but as we left that doctor's room that day I made a vow not to allow it to rule me.  

This takes effort every day on my part.  

Every single day and then every, single night.

Every single night that I medicate my child to the point of hoping to maintain his health and not go so far as to make his blood sugar go so low that he dies.

I factor in growth spurts, excitement, tiredness and evening snacks.

I factor in how exhausted I am and set the alarm accordingly. 

I hope and I trust the medicine and the pump.

And, truly, truly, I know that hope is the only way forwards.  

Other wise the dark ball of fear wins, and it wins every day.

So (I'm getting to the point in the title of this post, I promise!):

I CHOOSE LOVE!

I choose, every single day to look to the light and for myself and my husband and my beautiful, gorgeous boy, Frank, I choose love over fear.

*****************************************************************************
 My first act of choosing love was a little family adventure.  

We soooooo needed one!  

And so, on one of the snowiest days of the year so far, we headed off to London.  For three days.  

Staying in a hotel and everything!

And ,oh my, I fell in love with London all over again!

waiting for the train at Colchester North Station

chowing down at Wagamama's on the South Bank

Wagamama Man!

my love, up in the air on the London Eye

Frank enjoys the view of Westminster Bridge, The Houses of Parliament and Big Ben from the London Eye

I don't like heights!

the amazing roof of The British Museum

nothing Freudian about this dessert ... ahem

And so here I am in mid-February ready to begin blogging again.  

To choose the light and to share more of it here.  

I hope I have a few readers left and thank you for sticking with me.  

Much love.

xxxx

My Love the Poet # 2

A week ago saw us at SlackSpace in Colchester for a national evening called The Big Book Bang as part of World Book Night.

Andrew was performing as his alter ego Fred Slattern, Colchester's Slum Poet!

For once Frank was allowed out in the evening and was very excited to come with me to watch Andrew and others perform. When a little music was played Frank did a bit of dancing.

And at one point, I swear, he even channelled Reyna!

The poems were well received and everyone smiled when Andrew took to the stage for the second time with a four and a half year old attached to his leg!

It was a proud evening for me.

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Fred Slattern will be appearing this coming Saturday morning at SlackSpace in a day-long event to raise funds for relief in Japan.

Maybe we'll see you there?