Thursday, 7 March 2013

We are all in the gutter (but some of us are looking at the stars)

It's been dawning on me rather slowly that I may well be more than a little exhausted.  
Our nights have improved over the past week but my rhythms are still out of whack and three months of blood glucose testing around two or three times between midnight and seven in the morning has really, and please excuse the crassness of this, kicked the crap out of me.
It's the other D-word: depression.
It's not major, but I feel it. 
 I am walking through treacle.  
Everything is an effort and yesterday evening after one hell of a long homeschooling day in which Frank was full-on needing my time and energy from half six until bedtime and couldn't seem to settle to doing anything independently, I took to the sofa, lay under a quilt and cried.  
Andrew made dinner.  
Frank looked startled and bustled off to make me a heart-shaped card.  
And I cried. And cried. And cried.
And then I got up and had my cheese on toast with salad and chatted a bit to my boys.  
Andrew went out to his poetry group and, once Frank was asleep, I watched a documentary (Forks over Knives, in case anyone was wondering). 
I needed that release.
Living with a chronic condition is deeply unforgiving.
It is extreme.
An extreme way of living.
And, boy, does it take its toll.
~ time at Musa, alone, a few weeks back, with tea and an inspiring book ~

I hadn't intended to post about this as I try hard to be upbeat
But it cannot be denied that I am 45 years old and cream crackered!*
My energy levels are really low at the moment and yet as a D-parent I am running a marathon.
So, this is how I intend to move forwards.
I will not be visiting my doctor as I am not in need of medicine.
I choose, instead to look to the light and to a sense of personal possibility.
I choose to look up at the stars, from my personal gutter!

I will be making some changes in my lifestyle and might even post about them here, although I feel terribly shy about it at the moment.

Some of the ideas in my head at present involve
  • major dietary overhaul with a view to eating a mostly plant-based diet and cutting out the processed foods and caffeine.
  • researching sleep, blessed sleep, and how I can get me more of that magical stuff (I'm thinking naps in the daytime whilst Andrew has Frank)
  • fresh air and movement (not always easy in damp, chilly northern Europe but not impossible either and I can swim at the local pool)
  • less screen time in order to fit other things in (and perhaps a new computer as mine takes an age to do anything!  I can hang the washing out whilst it gets ready for me to send an e.mail!!)
  • writing down my goals and values, a kind of personal manifesto if you will, as I am so fuzzy of head that I barely know the day of the week at the moment
  • more creative space for myself 
  • getting back into reading novels (and this one first)

We go away tomorrow morning to Dorset, Thomas Hardy country, to visit my sister and her lovely family on their dairy farm.
We have rented a cottage in the stunning village of Cerne Abbas.  
Cerne Abbas is well known for this chalk figure carved in the hillside!
(Brace yourselves, anyone clicking on that particular link! )
A cottage we have rented twice before and love.
I am sooooo looking forward to a change of air and to a little time to reflect on my personal manifesto for this spring and summer.
I will be back with the muffinmoon manifesto soon.  
It feels weird to out this all in such a public space but I want to be accountable, even just to myself, but this is as good a place as any to get it all down on virtual paper.

Thus, stay tuned for more and also for pictures of my gorgeous nieces Matilda and Nancy with their cousin Frank!
 Here's a taster form Kersey in Suffolk this Christmas.
~ Matilda & Frank ~

~ Nancy ~

Much love.

*cream crackered is Cockney Rhyming slang for knackered, ie. very tired


  1. you're not alone. I do believe it has to do with not only the time of year but also lack of sleep. It's been a struggle lately for me, too. I am trying so hard and hardly getting anywhere - yesterday after all the DRI drama I found myself sobbing in the shower. SOBBING! I haven't done that in years over diabetes, the whole idea of 5-10 more years of this felt daunting, although I know the reality may be different (TJ's been fine and living with d for over 20) it just felt like a lot at the moment. away, and if you'd ever like to start an online book club or anything like that let me know, I'd be happy to join :)

  2. Oh, Jules, I'm so, so sorry. I know well what little sleep can do, and I haven't had to cope with it nearly as long as you. It sounds like you've made some good plans; I do so hope it helps soon. And I wish you the best holiday, with lots of rest.

    And I've been meaning to say a big thank you for the package, which arrived at a time when I really needed a pick-me-up. Life has gotten complicated but I have meant to respond.

    Hugs and love, Lise

  3. From one forty-something to another, I hear you. Have hit that wall as well, and I love the list - it resonates.
    Beautiful pictures in the following posts - hopefully the break helped!