Tuesday 12 February 2013

Choosing Love

Well, hello there!  
This post has been a long time coming and for that I apologise.  
It's a long one too, so you might want to grab a cup of tea!
My blogging mojo upped and left me way back in the autumn and is slowly returning as the winter turns to spring.
Once out of the routine of blogging it can be hard to get back into the right frame of  mind again.  And I have struggled to put my feelings into words.  Struggled to be authentic, because that's what I aim for and I never wish to write from a place that isn't authentic.
So, here, in the middle of February I welcome 2013 with my resolutions of Simplicity, Vitality and Community as my aims. 
My lovely husband and I spent New Year's Eve reflecting on the year gone by and on what we hoped for for the coming twelve months.
2012 was a difficult year for me when I look back at it.  
And when life is difficult for me, it is difficult for my little family.  
It's a simple equation.
I felt more tired.  More overwhelmed.  More in need of solitude.  Less engaged in my own life.
Reading this it looks like I was depressed.  But I don't think I was!
Just processing some things and moving from one phase of my life to another, maybe.
In the autumn we had a difficult time at our hospital appointment.  Frank's HbA1c was its highest ever and I had to look the kind doctor in the eye and admit that I had been running him a little high as I was so very fearful of him dying in the night.
I cried, in the doctor's room and in full view of Frank, and spelt words out so that he wouldn't hear me say words like "die".  
That dark ball of fear in my gut was exerting its hold over me and in that room I had to admit it and face it down.
Anyone with young children knows that sleep can be elusive.  
Have a child with Type 1 diabetes and sleep, good, solid, restful sleep, is like gold dust!!   
Andrew doesn't wake in the night much and so all the night testing is mine and all the fetching of water is mine too.  I do it gladly but it takes its toll on my 45 year old body!
I was trying to get more sleep but it's a false economy of the most awful sort to do what I was doing.  It wasn't terrible but I was failing Frank and needed that wake up call in the doctor's room to bring me back in some way.
I truth I still have that ball of fear but as we left that doctor's room that day I made a vow not to allow it to rule me.  
This takes effort every day on my part.  
Every single day and then every, single night.
Every single night that I medicate my child to the point of hoping to maintain his health and not go so far as to make his blood sugar go so low that he dies.
I factor in growth spurts, excitement, tiredness and evening snacks.
I factor in how exhausted I am and set the alarm accordingly. 
I hope and I trust the medicine and the pump.
And, truly, truly, I know that hope is the only way forwards.  
Other wise the dark ball of fear wins, and it wins every day.
So (I'm getting to the point in the title of this post, I promise!):
I choose, every single day to look to the light and for myself and my husband and my beautiful, gorgeous boy, Frank, I choose love over fear.
 My first act of choosing love was a little family adventure.  
We soooooo needed one!  
And so, on one of the snowiest days of the year so far, we headed off to London.  For three days.  
Staying in a hotel and everything!
And ,oh my, I fell in love with London all over again!

waiting for the train at Colchester North Station

chowing down at Wagamama's on the South Bank

Wagamama Man!

my love, up in the air on the London Eye
Frank enjoys the view of Westminster Bridge, The Houses of Parliament and Big Ben from the London Eye
I don't like heights!

the amazing roof of The British Museum

nothing Freudian about this dessert ... ahem
And so here I am in mid-February ready to begin blogging again.  
To choose the light and to share more of it here.  

I hope I have a few readers left and thank you for sticking with me.  
Much love.


  1. LOVE the photos!
    LOVE how much Frank is growing!
    Lots of LOVE to you and your family!

  2. Glad you are back and you and the family got to get away and have some much needed fun!

  3. I relate to so much of what you said. I was terribly fear driven. Even now when hes in range Im thinkng forwards to how quickly that could become a low. Horrible disease, but beautiful beautiful kids. xx

  4. Oooh London and Wagamamas - Perfect!!

  5. of course you have readers left, no matter the distance or time I am always happy to hear from you! This winter has been a booty kicker for me, too - I sat on the edge of the bed last night almost in tears as I waited for Isaac's BG to come up wondering, is this depression? But I don't think so either, I think it's this moment, the darkness of winter, the overwhelmingness of living with chronic illness, the desire for more, the need for peacefulness...all of it at once.
    So, like you I am thankful for the winter slowly turning into spring. Your trip to London looks great, I hope to go there someday...I have a long list of places to see though, so it may be a while!
    Take care of yourself, too. ((HUGS))

  6. Glad to see you back here again, Jules. I have a reply to your email coming soon, too.

    I can only imagine the fear you are facing. I wish I could be there to hold your hand, or at least to whisk Frank away so you could fall apart completely when you needed to! I'm so glad you've been able to find some way through it, and got to enjoy such a lovely getaway with your family. Hugs...