We are all in the gutter (but some of us are looking at the stars)

It's been dawning on me rather slowly that I may well be more than a little exhausted.  

Our nights have improved over the past week but my rhythms are still out of whack and three months of blood glucose testing around two or three times between midnight and seven in the morning has really, and please excuse the crassness of this, kicked the crap out of me.

It's the other D-word: depression.

It's not major, but I feel it. 

 I am walking through treacle.  

Everything is an effort and yesterday evening after one hell of a long homeschooling day in which Frank was full-on needing my time and energy from half six until bedtime and couldn't seem to settle to doing anything independently, I took to the sofa, lay under a quilt and cried.  

Andrew made dinner.  

Frank looked startled and bustled off to make me a heart-shaped card.  

And I cried. And cried. And cried.

And then I got up and had my cheese on toast with salad and chatted a bit to my boys.  

Andrew went out to his poetry group and, once Frank was asleep, I watched a documentary (Forks over Knives, in case anyone was wondering). 

I needed that release.

Living with a chronic condition is deeply unforgiving.

It is extreme.

An extreme way of living.

And, boy, does it take its toll.

~ time at Musa, alone, a few weeks back, with tea and an inspiring book ~

I hadn't intended to post about this as I try hard to be upbeat. 

But it cannot be denied that I am 45 years old and cream crackered!*

My energy levels are really low at the moment and yet as a D-parent I am running a marathon.

Jinkies.

So, this is how I intend to move forwards.

I will not be visiting my doctor as I am not in need of medicine.

I choose, instead to look to the light and to a sense of personal possibility.

I choose to look up at the stars, from my personal gutter!

I will be making some changes in my lifestyle and might even post about them here, although I feel terribly shy about it at the moment.

Some of the ideas in my head at present involve

• major dietary overhaul with a view to eating a mostly plant-based diet and cutting out the processed foods and caffeine.
• researching sleep, blessed sleep, and how I can get me more of that magical stuff (I'm thinking naps in the daytime whilst Andrew has Frank)
• fresh air and movement (not always easy in damp, chilly northern Europe but not impossible either and I can swim at the local pool)
• less screen time in order to fit other things in (and perhaps a new computer as mine takes an age to do anything!  I can hang the washing out whilst it gets ready for me to send an e.mail!!)
• writing down my goals and values, a kind of personal manifesto if you will, as I am so fuzzy of head that I barely know the day of the week at the moment
• more creative space for myself 
• getting back into reading novels (and this one first)

We go away tomorrow morning to Dorset, Thomas Hardy country, to visit my sister and her lovely family on their dairy farm.

We have rented a cottage in the stunning village of Cerne Abbas.  

Cerne Abbas is well known for this chalk figure carved in the hillside!

(Brace yourselves, anyone clicking on that particular link! )

A cottage we have rented twice before and love.

I am sooooo looking forward to a change of air and to a little time to reflect on my personal manifesto for this spring and summer.

I will be back with the muffinmoon manifesto soon.  

It feels weird to out this all in such a public space but I want to be accountable, even just to myself, but this is as good a place as any to get it all down on virtual paper.

Thus, stay tuned for more and also for pictures of my gorgeous nieces Matilda and Nancy with their cousin Frank!

 Here's a taster form Kersey in Suffolk this Christmas.

~ Matilda & Frank ~

~ Nancy ~

Much love.

xxxx

*cream crackered is Cockney Rhyming slang for knackered, ie. very tired

Autumn Nature Table

Frank enjoyed freshening up the nature table today.  

Autumn is my favourite season as I just wilt in the humid heat of summer and seem to come alive again as the air turns that little bit cooler and the sun sits that bit lower in the sky.

My boy seems to share my love of autumn and the feeling of gathering in and drawing close that comes with the shorter days and longer nights.

For the first time he decided that he wanted full artistic control over the nature table and went to work (once we had cleared it and I had wiped it down a bit) with a selection of the things we keep for it.

He chose to make a woodland scene complete with a fox chasing an unsuspecting duck and two cute hedgehogs setting up their winter homes.

We have two beautiful Ostheimer trees for the nature table and change them around as the seasons change.  

The pear tree here has white blossoms on the other side for the Spring season and then we have  a fir tree for winter.

And so the seasons shift and change.

Also this week we have celebrated, albeit a bittersweet celebration for this Mama, Frank's first wobbly tooth.  

And we step not just into Autumn but into a new phase of Frank's life.  

Milk teeth are on their way out and big teeth on their way in.

We are talking about this as being exciting though my heart is a little sore at all this growing up.

We are also taking chamomilla, a homeopathic remedy for teething as Frank was a bit freaked out about his tooth being so loose.

And this Mama is taking deep breaths as her boy gets more beautiful by the day as he grows towards the man he will become...

Road Trip sans child - Jinkies!

Yes, you read that right.  I am fresh back from a three day, two-night road trip with my friend Anne.

For anyone with a diabetic child you will known what a BIG DEAL this is!

For myself it is doubly tricky as my lovely man has not been confident enough for me to leave home overnight for some years.  And then I, as with many parents let alone D-parents, have all kinds of control issues.  

Does anyone else do it as well as I do?  Well, no not really.  But well enough is fine.

I did have a short trip a couple of years ago but honestly didn't relax into it in the way I did last week.  

I knew my boys would be fine.  

I knew Andrew would do his best and that if anything went wrong he would sort it out just fine.

And all was well.

 ~ the beautiful church in the centre of Lyndhurst in the New Forest ~

 ~ my tipple overlooking the lawn at our hotel ~

 ~ strolling out onto the New Forest heathlands ~ I'm the one in the hat! ~

 ~ Montacute House ~ anyone recall it from the Ang Lee version of Sense & Sensibility?  It is stunning ~

 ~ dinner at The River Cottage Canteen ~

 ~ my main course ~ fresh garden veggies and udon noodles ~ yum! ~

~ me with my trio of hummus starter ~ I am camera shy at present but know that you'll all be looking at the food anyway! ~

And boy did I miss these guys.  And they me.  

The break did me good but it is good to be home where my heart belongs.

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Tomorrow is August and I am embarking on my own 30-Day Vegan as a kind of retreat.  

I followed this last summer as a student of Heather and it was such a wonderful, fulfilling, supportive experience.

My intention from August is to have a health focus each month as a way of bringing my own health into a more mindful place.

I'll keep you posted.

light :: chai :: smoothie moustaches

Our breakfast table this morning saw us enjoying Berry Blast smoothies from Heather's Wholefood Kitchen and, for balance you understand, croissants alongside!
Today saw crisp clear blue skies, the like of which are so very welcome in February and which lift the spirits so immediately.
The light in the dining room at breakfast time (around 8am) was just gorgeous and here you can see our usual set up of diabetes kit, Lego instruction manuals and breakfast.
In this rather foodie post I must also mention that Andrew and I have been enjoying the odd chai made with rice milk of an evening. It has been lovely on these chilly evenings to sip something so gently spicy and warming.
I managed to give up tea and coffee about ten days ago.
I love both but had such a snotty heavy cold that I couldn't face the cow's milk I normally have in tea and the thought of a milky latte made me feel ill, so I went cold turkey on the caffeine and thus the milk.
After a couple of days I had a few hours when I would have gladly sold a kidney for a cup of really strong tea or coffee but then it was fine.
I had been using oat milk in cooking and smoothies but this week tried rice milk and prefer its taste. The problem here can be that these things are not so easy to come by. The big supermarket near me, for example, sells oat milk but not rice milk. For rice milk I have to travel further. I suppose it all boils down to me getting organised and buying in bulk as all these things are long life products anyway!
And, of course, how could I not post this picture of Frank with a great big smoothie moustache?! We've had smoothies twice this week already and I am finding them a great way to sneak all kinds of goodies into my suspicious around food boy!
The Wholefood Kitchen course is going really well and my intention for the course is to really increase my intake of veggies. I love them but admit I am lazy about eating loads of them. Fruit I manage more often but veggies take a bit more prep and I have committed myself to taking the time to make this happen.
This evenings meal of curried vegetable chowder was soooo tasty and will last two more meals, so the prep time really isn't wasted.
Happy Sunday to you all.

Eight and Fifty-six

What is going on?
August is speeding by and I can barely keep up!
Living with a lively five year old keeps me on my toes and we have been enjoying long days out and two big celebrations this past week, with more to come soon (my Mum turns 80 next weekend).



In no particular order we have celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary and Andrew's (56th) birthday.
He looks good on it, hey??
Our wedding anniversary was spent enjoying (vegan) pancakes for breakfast and a lazy family day just hanging out together.
For Andrew's special day we spent time at our friend's beach hut on Mersea Island. The photo above shows his (vegan) chocolate cake, which went down a storm and tasted so good with the sea air. But then doesn't everything taste better with sea air in it?
Frank decorated the top and took great care with the berries and candles.
I went to my first Knitting under the Willow at the Natural Dye Studio in Hollesley, Suffolk and bought some amazing yarn. My friend Jan and I both cast on an Ishbel shawl on the day but I am not convinced I am up to lace knitting yet.
I'll give it a go though.
And the 30 Day Vegan continues.
For a couple of days I had withdrawal symptoms for my strong English tea with milk and then my head cleared and I feel fine.
The course is one I would very highly recommend as it is very supportive and I have to say I have been blown away by how easy I have found the transition.
Heather is very generous with her information and I have learnt to "crowd out" my diet with all the good stuff.
So, rather than focus on what I am not eating I fill my tummy with loads of wholefood goodness!

The blueberry breakfast loaf has been a staple here and I love it with almond butter.
The quinoa tabbouleh is yummy too.
And I have even managed to complete Andrew's Christmas jumper (yes, last Christmas before anyone asks).
I don't think I will go back to tea with milk. I feel so well not eating dairy products that I might just have a little Greek yoghurt (we have a brand here called Total and it's just too yummy to not eat!) and a little cheese here and there. Fish I miss but not as much as I expected.
It is proving a really eye-opening experience and is definitely helping me with my mid-afternoon energy slumps.
The D is mostly behaving itself but it never lets up, does it? The nights are long but I have made my peace with that. It was, however, a bit of a shock to spend time on our wedding anniversary looking at the wedding photos. We each had years and years of good nights' sleep like regular folks and we looked great! Na ja ...
Tomorrow sees the fantabulous return of the Colchester Free Festival so we will be cycling into town to enjoy some kiddo crafts and stories and then some live music from local bands.

Love to you all for a happy and peaceful, and safe if you are on the East coast of the USA, weekend.

Taking a Break

We are having such a lovely summer (yes, not enough sleep, blood sugar mostly behaving but with the usual curve balls lobbed at me every day or so) and I am finding it hard to get to the computer.
Add to this, Frank managing to break my beloved camera by dropping it on the garden path! It now makes a sad kind of squeak when it gets used and takes very fuzzy photos indeed. He has decided that is fine for him and so, in his quest to be a wildlife cameraman, he spends a while each day taking lots of pictures of his orcas and shark toys and then showing them to me at high speed.
I need to get organised and get a new camera. It has surprised me how much I miss taking pictures of our days. And the weather over here is just so lovely, the sky so blue some days that the photos would be fabulous!
It's actually a bit too hot for us and we spend part of each days shade hopping and drinking iced water.
Life is good and I am going to sign out for August to enjoy every moment of it.
I am still reading all my beloved bloggy friend's words and will comment as much as I find time for.
Have a fantabulous August and I will be back at this space on 1st September with a summary of our month.
Love to all!
xxxx


P.S. I am sorry for freaking you all out over my previous post! Perhaps I won't tell you all the story of my Dad playing Hide and Seek with Frank and then just getting distracted by the washing or some such domestic thing and just leaving Frank hiding and not mentioning it to me for far too flipping long ...

Peanut Butter Krispy Treats

Thank you to everyone that took time to respond to my call for help. It really, really helped to hear other stories and some great ideas too. You are all fab!

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In an attempt to get the Boy Wonder to consume a variety of grains ... oh, who am I kidding ... in an attempt to get Frank to eat ANY GRAIN OTHER THAN WHITE WHEAT, I stealthily add various things to recipes he might eat.
To his white bread I add whole wheat or rye or rice flour. He used to eat rice but won't now. He will allow pasta on his plate but tends not to eat it!! At someone else's house he will devour a whole bowl of Bolognese and pasta but, alas, not at home.
He is suspicious that I am sneaking contraband into his food.
He has a point ...
I have taken to adding ground linseeds or ground almonds to his porridge, making it also with half oat milk and half cow's milk. I sneak squash and sweet potatoes into Bolognese sauce. He will eat raw carrots and celery and peas from the pod and that's it for veg.
I am sounding so over-controlling here but I am concerned as he won't eat other veggies or rice and with his Type 1 Diabetes I am aware that any days of high BG will result in an extra loss of nutrients.
I think we do OK, all in all.
I am not panicked about this but maintain an awareness of what foods are building his body. He eats ice cream and crisps, I am no purist and am very clear on the idea of never forbidding any foods. Children with this condition need no extra food issues in the mix, ideally.
I am reading "The Healthiest Kid in the Neighbourhood" by William Sears at the moment. Lots of the information in it isn't new to me as I have always been interested in nutrition (thankfully, as I had a head start on getting a grip on the whole carb counting thang) but it is very informative about snacking and phases kids go through. I have also found it really useful for giving me ammunition when shopping with Frank. Saying things like "We don't buy that in our family" has been working wonders. However, I think of people like Meri, with older kids, and know I will only be able to use this for a short while. I'll be shopping on line soon!!
One snack that I have rustled up this week has met with a lukewarm response but hasn't been rejected outright are the Peanut Butter treats above. They are really tasty (Andrew and I love them!) and from this book, which has me inspired to go veggie again very soon.
I bought my ingredients in the Wholefood Store in Manningtree (the store I long to be locked in overnight!) and used puffed quinoa instead of rice. They are gluten free and I like to keep them in the fridge to keep them more solid and chewy.

Peanut Butter Krispy Treats
3/4 cup smooth unsalted peanut butter (I only had salted so I omitted the extra salt)
3/4 cup maple syrup
1 scant teaspoon fine-grain sea salt
2 1/2 teaspoons agar flakes
4 cups unsweetened crisp brown rice cereal

Combine the peanut butter, maple syrup, salt and agar flakes in a large sauce pan over a low heat and stir constantly until smooth, hot, melted and bubbling just a bit. Turn off the heat and add the cereal. Stir until well-coated. Transfer to an 8 by 8-inch baking dish and press into place. Refrigerate until completely coo, then cut into small rectangles with a sharp knife.
Makes around 20 treats.

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In more specifically D-related news we had our first failed site two nights ago and were up until 3am testing and bolusing every hour until we decided to grasp the nettle and change that bastard. Frank moaned a bit but then chatted to us and we all go on with it. the cannula was all bent sideways. His pre-breakfast BG was 5.7, such a relief after 23.8 and similar all night.
In retrospect as I primed the set something felt different in the spring-action thingy, but instead of not using it, I kind of imagined it would all be OK even though it felt a bit wrong.
Next time I won't do that. And from what I read there will be a next time.

Put the pancreas aside and let's talk Spleen

And specifically Spleen Qi Deficiency.

Have I put you off already with the weird Qi word?

I hope not.

I hope you know me well enough by now, some of you at least, to know that I love good food. I'm not a great believer in faddy food trends but rather favour well-made food with real ingredients.

So, I am not about to get all weird on you all.

Let me tell you the story ...

************************************

I am a MamaPancreas called Jules.

I am a good pancreas and do a great job but I am tired.

Always longing for just a bit more sleep; not much, just a bit MORE than I am getting.

Since Frank started pumping insulin I and my sidekick Andrew have been doing more BG tests than ever and have been testing at 10pm, 12 midnight and 2:30 for around six weeks.

Those times make it hard to get sleep in between and have both tended to stay up until midnight every night.

This shouldn't be too bad but I was feeling really tired.

More than usual.

Add to this the general waking up suddenly every morning with a four and a half year old landing on me like an eagle swooping down on its prey, and the subsequent long days of mamalife.

I felt like I was walking through treacle.

Wading through life.

I hadn't expected to be skipping exactly but less backward drag in the heavy feeling legs and arms would be good.

So I decided to take restorative action and eat lots more salad and make green smoothies and pink smoothies, and eat raw food as much as possible.

You see I have a soft spot for craft blogs, and all these amazing women with their Waldorf children who wake up singing and bake bread together whistling and never watch TV, were drinking green smoothies and bleating on about how great they felt.

I swallowed this, wanted the light feelings and was dazzled by the idea, the mere smidgen of the idea of being LESS BLEEDIN' TIRED!

For the last three or four weeks I have included lots and lots of smoothies in my diet, lots of salads, lots of raw things.

OK, I still craved milk chocolate and gave into those cravings sometimes and I have been eating bread a lot too, to the exclusion of other starches, but let's be clear: I have been eating lots of salads and loads of fruit.

***********************

Then came last Thursday.

My sometimes day to do my own thing.

The day when heroic hubby sometimes steps in for me to do my own thing.

After a fruit and yoghurt breakfast I drove joyfully out to meet my Knit&Natter group at the tea room at the Tiptree jam factory, knitted sitting in the sun, nattered and then left bang on time to drive home as I knew I'd have lunch alone.

A huge salad and a green smoothie were made.

Spinach and oranges and red onions and pine nuts and cucumber and feta cheese were in the salad.

Mango and banana and apple and more spinach were in the smoothie.

I ate the lot whilst sitting on the bench in the garden in the sun.

Idyllic.

I felt smug.

I was treating my body well.

I would feel so much better soon.

*******************************

Cut to eight fifteen that evening and I was putting Frank to bed.

He is in his little wooden bed next to my big one and as he drifts off playing alphabet games with me I felt more weary than ever in my life.

My very bones felt tired.

I was face down on the double bed slurring my words Frank fell asleep and I slept too.

This is sometimes normal, this falling asleep with one's child, but believe me when I say this felt different.

There was no feeling of "I'll just have a nap".

I was pole-axed.

I woke at 9:45 just in time to do the ten o'clock test.

And then my tongue felt sore.

It felt really tender. So I stuck it out at myself in the mirror and saw a tongue but with these weird teeth marks, like scallops, down the edges.

Weird, maybe it's a sign of tiredness, I thought, and padded over to the laptop to look it up.

*********************************

Ah me, I know what you're probably thinking.

The Internet.

Don't go on the internet for medical stuff. It will overload you.

Well, it didn't.

I was fine but I did startle my husband by laughing and snorting madly for long minutes at a time.

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A tongue with indentations down the side is, in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), a sign of Spleen Qi Deficiency.

Fair enough, "But what does that even mean?" I hear you cry!

Here it is (and I am only kind of summarising what I have found out after a week on line, I am no expert in this):

In TCM Spleen Qi Deficiency can develop when a person is or has been stressed for a long time, is not rested sufficiently and has extensive worries either real or imagined.

Sound familiar?

It is a result of the body's resources becoming drained and of "dampness" and "coldness" and foods that create damp and cold in the body (as viewed by TCM) being consumed in large amounts.

Symptoms can include tiredness, heavy limbs, weight gain, sore tongue with indentations, weak muscles and thus sometimes prolapses and hernias.

Foods that worsen this condition were listed on quite few sites and they were ALL, without exception, the foods I had been eating and had been increasing in my diet:

Raw foods, salads, iced drinks, smoothies, cold water, wheat based bread.

I kept laughing because even the bloody pine nuts were mentioned!

EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERYTHING, I had consumed that day had wiped me out.

The theory is that cold and raw foods take extra energy for the body to process them as they have to be heated by the body to body temperature before it can extract the goodness from them.

I had always thought raw was always always preferable to cooked.

It seems not in certain cases, such as mine.

I would have loved to be cynical here but what I had eaten and how awful I was feeling just slotted into place.

By chance I hadn't eaten Spleen supporting foods but had eaten Spleen depleting foods.

To the letter.

It was a strange experience reading those papers and visiting those sites and seeing that maybe I wasn't so bad at no sleep as I'd thought.

Maybe nurturing my Spleen Qi would be of benefit because I'm not up for buying supplements or tonics when good food and some sleep and exercise should be good for all of us, right?

The next morning I began eating more cooked and warm foods:

oatmeal and maple syrup, rice cooked with milk and cinnamon, rye toast and honey, stewed apples or pears with maple syrup for breakfasts.

Soups and stews, and herbal teas like ginger tea for lunches.

More soups and stews, warm stir fries and sweet potatoes baked in their jackets for dinner.

Sweetness is needed and natural sweet flavours like maple syrup and dates and figs are good for this Spleen Qi Deficiency apparently.

Eating these has helped my chocolate cravings be less strident.

I am eating hardly any raw foods.

Just for a while, almost as an experiment.

It feels quite maverick in contrast to the raw foods, green smoothie, spring cleansing blogs I'm reading.

And the verdict?

After a full-on weekend and a really massively busy week this week so far and continuing until the weekend (hubby working two jobs this week, Frank out for the count with a fever today, Jack coming to sand the floor in the dining room on Thursday so it has to emptied etc etc - ie.LIFE!)?

The jury is out long term but in the short term I am feeling so much less tired.

I promise you I am sleeping no more at all but just feel normally tired rather than pathologically exhausted.

I know nothing really about Traditional Chinese Medicine and its recommendations but I am going to look more into it.

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Here are some links :

http://www.pulsemed.org/dietspleendamp.htm

http://www.mybodywisdom.net/pdf/Spleen_Qi_Nutrition.pdf

http://www.curepoint.co.uk/healthy-diet.shtml

http://www.acupuncture.com/nutrition/diet.htm

I was going to ask you to let me know what you think, but I reckon you'll do that anyway!