Two and a half years ago I was the smug Mum of a child that slept really well. I distinctly recall chatting to a friend around the time of this photo and she was telling me how often her two year old woke up in the night.
I suggested a sippy cup of water as that seemed to help Frank sleep through. I felt happy my child drank water and thought he was just like me as I always have a glass of water by my bed.
One sippy cup became three all lined up in his bed and he needed them topping up at 1am, 4am and then woke for water early in the morning.
His nappies were flooded.
His cute sleeping bags soaking wet.
In Dorset, visiting my sister, in the May before diagnosis in the October, one of the requirements of the holiday cottage was a washer dryer as we always had so many PJs and so much bedding to wash.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, eh?
It's all so clear, all the signs when I look at it now.
But with no history of diabetes in the family and no real idea that it was even a possibility for tiny children, we staggered on washing and drying more than any family I know.
Scroll forward to now, or rather last night to be specific.
Frank is in our room on a camp bed and we are all happy with this.
He came in at Christmas and is staying there for a while.
Last night his BG was good before midnight. But the habit of drinking water in the night is now, it seems, so ingrained in him that he needs it all the time. Last night saw me changing his nappy four times and his PJs as many too. His sheets were wet and I put him on a towel as I had no energy to strip the bed too.
I hate this aspect of the D for us. I can't bring myself to deny him water.
He seems to really need it.
He now has a safe sippy
as I got concerned about him having drinks from plastic for so many hours of each day. He has a Klean Kanteen
for daytime and he drinks a lot. Even when the numbers are good he likes to drink water.
But I am tired.
I am so gentle with him. Always. I will never complain to him about needing water or peeing a lot or having to change his bedding three times a night and his PJs four times and his nappy five times.
I can't imagine the time when he is dry at night and as he gets bigger and his bladder capacity even greater I may have to fashion some kind of super nappy by sewing loads of them together.
I fear we are alone with this one.
It is just what Frank is like and we have to deal with it day in day out and night in night out.
I see no end to these nights of BG testing, nappy changing, PJ changing and washing and drying each day.
I have no conversation left. Jen's
post the other day about going to a New Year's party and not blurting out that Addison has diabetes as a conversational opener for the first time has really struck a chord with me.
I admit I cried when I read it.
I want this day to come.
I am not there yet.
I am lost in the eye of the storm of this disease.
I have nowhere else to be and nowhere I'd rather be. But there are long days and longer nights when I realise I have lost all sense of myself.
I am avoiding socialising sometimes because all I can think about is diabetes.
If I stay home with my boy and we dig the garden and go to the library and bake biscuits then I can almost forget the D because it is so automatic and we are not weird to each other!
So we bake and cycle and walk and dig and I knit and we paint and we watch Toy Story for the billionth time and I blog about knitting and sewing because it's all I do that isn't D.
And what sustains me is seeing my boy grow and develop.
What sustains me is reading other D-parents' blogs and knowing their hearts like I know my own.
And boy, that feels good...