Prayer Shawl for Newtown

Knitting happens pretty much every day here.  

I knit whilst Frank puts on Lego shows for me.  

I knit whilst we play boardgames.  

I knit whenever I can.  

I like to keep my hands busy and I like Frank to see me do exactly that.  

I've never been one for constantly playing with my mobile phone or my laptop but my fingers are always busy, clickety clacking away with the sticks and string.

And, I knit when friends are expecting babies.  Oh, the joy of those teeny tiny knits!

So, when the core-shaking news came from Newtown late last year I began to knit.  

A Prayer Shawl.  

A Prayer Shawl for Newtown.

in progress

 I am not a religious person but every day I knit a few more rows of this and my thoughts and heart went across the water to those who surely have suffered something that nobody ever should.

Every stitch, honestly every one, has prayer for comfort and hope in it.

from the back (it curls a little but I don't mind that)

The yarn I chose was from my blogger friend Hannah at Home Baked.  

She has a yarn store on her blog and tempted me with a January sale!  

That yummy yarn is Araucania Tepa and it was lovely to knit with.

and from the front (modelled by the woman who wins the award for most uncomfortable in front of the camera ever!)

It will be packed up and sent off at the end of the month after I have paired it up with another that my friend Teresa has knitted.

I hope this shawl comforts someone, somewhere.

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I feel glad to be back in this space and happy to share my days again.

Happy Monday to you all.

xxxx

Prayer Shawls for Newtown link here .

Choosing Love

Well, hello there!  

This post has been a long time coming and for that I apologise.  

It's a long one too, so you might want to grab a cup of tea!

My blogging mojo upped and left me way back in the autumn and is slowly returning as the winter turns to spring.

Once out of the routine of blogging it can be hard to get back into the right frame of  mind again.  And I have struggled to put my feelings into words.  Struggled to be authentic, because that's what I aim for and I never wish to write from a place that isn't authentic.

********************

So, here, in the middle of February I welcome 2013 with my resolutions of Simplicity, Vitality and Community as my aims. 

My lovely husband and I spent New Year's Eve reflecting on the year gone by and on what we hoped for for the coming twelve months.

2012 was a difficult year for me when I look back at it.  

And when life is difficult for me, it is difficult for my little family.  

It's a simple equation.

I felt more tired.  More overwhelmed.  More in need of solitude.  Less engaged in my own life.

Reading this it looks like I was depressed.  But I don't think I was!

Just processing some things and moving from one phase of my life to another, maybe.

*********************

In the autumn we had a difficult time at our hospital appointment.  Frank's HbA1c was its highest ever and I had to look the kind doctor in the eye and admit that I had been running him a little high as I was so very fearful of him dying in the night.

I cried, in the doctor's room and in full view of Frank, and spelt words out so that he wouldn't hear me say words like "die".  

That dark ball of fear in my gut was exerting its hold over me and in that room I had to admit it and face it down.

Anyone with young children knows that sleep can be elusive.  

Have a child with Type 1 diabetes and sleep, good, solid, restful sleep, is like gold dust!!   

Andrew doesn't wake in the night much and so all the night testing is mine and all the fetching of water is mine too.  I do it gladly but it takes its toll on my 45 year old body!

I was trying to get more sleep but it's a false economy of the most awful sort to do what I was doing.  It wasn't terrible but I was failing Frank and needed that wake up call in the doctor's room to bring me back in some way.

I truth I still have that ball of fear but as we left that doctor's room that day I made a vow not to allow it to rule me.  

This takes effort every day on my part.  

Every single day and then every, single night.

Every single night that I medicate my child to the point of hoping to maintain his health and not go so far as to make his blood sugar go so low that he dies.

I factor in growth spurts, excitement, tiredness and evening snacks.

I factor in how exhausted I am and set the alarm accordingly. 

I hope and I trust the medicine and the pump.

And, truly, truly, I know that hope is the only way forwards.  

Other wise the dark ball of fear wins, and it wins every day.

So (I'm getting to the point in the title of this post, I promise!):

I CHOOSE LOVE!

I choose, every single day to look to the light and for myself and my husband and my beautiful, gorgeous boy, Frank, I choose love over fear.

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 My first act of choosing love was a little family adventure.  

We soooooo needed one!  

And so, on one of the snowiest days of the year so far, we headed off to London.  For three days.  

Staying in a hotel and everything!

And ,oh my, I fell in love with London all over again!

waiting for the train at Colchester North Station

chowing down at Wagamama's on the South Bank

Wagamama Man!

my love, up in the air on the London Eye

Frank enjoys the view of Westminster Bridge, The Houses of Parliament and Big Ben from the London Eye

I don't like heights!

the amazing roof of The British Museum

nothing Freudian about this dessert ... ahem

And so here I am in mid-February ready to begin blogging again.  

To choose the light and to share more of it here.  

I hope I have a few readers left and thank you for sticking with me.  

Much love.

xxxx

Keeping it Simple

We are a family that don't really fit the mold.  

We are older parents.  

We homeschool.    

We don't desire more, more, more.

We try to be as natural as we can, whilst living in suburbia and needing synthetic insulin to keep one of us alive, and thus the rest of us sane.

And yet every single one of these decisions sits well with me.  

I've always felt like a square peg surrounded by round holes, so making some of these life decisions have taken no time at all.  

No soul searching.  More a kind of gut-searching, really.

Does this sit well with me?  

Yep.  OK then moving on , what's for dinner?

Nope. OK then let's not do it/stop doing it, shall we have pancakes for breakfast?

I believe in keeping life simple;  both for my child and for myself.

Routines sit well with us.  

Time at home just pottering around the garden or drawing or watching a bit of TV sit well with us.

There are many activities on offer for us and Frank as homeschoolers in our town and yet we have taken part in very few of them over the past couple of years.  Frank has shown a desire for lots and lots of down time at home.  Time to play Lego, draw, paint, dig the garden, make chalk art on the paths, wrestle and, my favourite, roll around on the floor kind of aimlessly, often under the table or a chair!

Or even, as below, pretend to be a statue with his teeny tiny toy seal (Snuggly).

These past two weeks have been unusually busy for us.  Frank turned six in July and has been expressing an interest in seeing his friends more often.   We catch up with other homeschooling friends fairly often and regularly take part in Craft Swaps and play dates.

Formal lessons have not happened yet but something in the changes in Frank over the past few months made me feel confident in booking him a place on a trampolining course at the local Leisure Centre.  

So, after some quiet chat about how it's good to try new things and how he likes bouncing on the bed and how his friends love the trampolining class and the teacher, Frank was ready to give it a shot.

 

He loved it!  

Maria, the teacher, is wonderful with the children; encouraging and funny and kind.

Then two days later, we hosted a pottery class here at home for Frank and six other children.

He loved it!

And the following day we took part in the introductory session for an Arts Award being offered to homeschoolers here in town.

He loved it!

So, three new sessions on top of two play dates this week and we are all in need of a little reflection:

did it sit well with us?

If all these activities were on every week then I can honestly say it would not sit well with me.  

However, with the pottery only being once a month and the art every two weeks, we can take the trampolining on board weekly and still enjoy our much-needed simple times at home.

Simplicity is always on my radar but more so than ever this week as I have signed up for a Simplicity Parenting e.course with Kathy over at Bliss Beyond Naptime.

And with a delicious serendipity the course starts on Monday 1st October, the day after I return from two days away at a yoga retreat in Suffolk (my first ever retreat of any kind, and I'm not even that great at yoga, I'm kind of nervous but soooooo need it).

So, here's to keeping it simple.

And breathe ...

Ryan's sunset

Not wanting to let the beautiful sunset of Ryan's Festival go without being officially blogged.

A week ago today this was it:

the sunset over Prettygate in Colchester, England on the day that Ryan Schuhmacher was celebrated far far away in California.

xxxxxx

Chocolate Gingerbread ~ Oh, my!

This is the second time I have made this gingerbread and it does go down rather well.  

I recommend cutting it into fairly small squares as it is rich and dark.  Kids don't always go for it  but adults seem to love it!  

It is very sweet and I am sorry I don't have a carb factor or count for it as Frank won't eat it, so I don't have to do it!!

The recipe is from Nigella Lawson's "Feast", which is a cracker of a book.  

She does seem to use shed-loads of sugar in her recipes, so I don't make them often.

However, for a potluck or, as was the case for the gingerbread above, for a "Not Back To School Party" it's ideal.

People did approach me with slabs of it in their hands and mumble "Did you make this?", spraying crumbs as they did so and rolling their eyes in ecstasy.  

I took this as a good sign!

Chocolate Gingerbread

For the cake : 

175g unsalted butter

125g dark muscovado sugar

2 tbsp caster sugar

200g golden syrup

200g black treacle or molasses

1/4 tsp ground cloves

1 tsp ground cinnamon

2 tsp ground ginger

1 1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda

2 tbsp warm water

2 eggs

250ml milk

275g plain flour

40g cocoa

175g chocolate chips

For the icing:

250g icing sugar

30g unsalted butter

1 tbsp cocoa

60ml ginger ale

Preheat the oven to gas mark 3 / 170C. 

 Line a roasting tin of approx 30x20x5cm deep (I used two smaller tins) with baking parchment.

In a decent-sized saucepan, melt the butter along with the sugars, golden syrup, molasses/treacle, cloves, cinnamon and ground ginger.  

In a cup dissolve the bicarb in the warm water.

Take the saucepan off the heat and beat in the eggs, milk and bicarb in its water.

Stir in the flour and cocoa and beat with a wooden spoon to mix.

Fold in the chocolate chips, pour into the lined tin and bake for about 45 minutes until firm and risen.  

it will be slightly damp underneath the set top and that's a good thing.

Remove to a wire rack and let cool in the tin.

Once cool, make the icing.

Sieve the icing sugar.  In a heavy-based saucepan heat the butter, cocoa and ginger ale.  

Once the butter is melted, whisk in the icing sugar.

Lift the chocolate gingerbread out of the tin and unwrap the paper.  Pour over the icing just to cover the top and cut into "fat slabs" (Nigella's words, isn't she wonderful!!).

Inhale!!

Ahem ...  I ate this piece purely out of concern for quality control.

Indeed I am always here for you all at times like that ...

Meri

Barely six months ago I posted about my dear friend Meri's husband Ryan being diagnosed with cancer.  Let's make it clear, I have never met Meri but her name and those of her family, and indeed dog, are mentioned in my home as though they live just down the street.

In terms of the DOC (Diabetes on-line Community) they do live just down the street.

They have four boys, the three youngest of whom have Type 1 diabetes.  

And last Sunday morning Ryan passed away.  

The impossible happened.  

The unimaginable.

And what do I write?  

Where is the Hallmark card for this one? 

Today Meri and her boys and extended family laid Ryan to rest and celebrated the lovely family man that he was.

In every word she ever wrote about him Meri loved him so dearly.  

They were together twenty years.

So, my default when stuck for words is to look to the words of my six year old boy.  

To Frank, whom Meri knows and whose sweet face she often mentions.

Frank calls funerals "festivals" and this is where I choose to go:

Today was the Festival of Ryan. 

A man remembered with such love and joy.  

A man never to be forgotten by those who adored him.  

This evening as I put Frank to bed we stopped to take in the beautiful pink and blue of this early autumn sunset and I thought of Ryan and the joyful heavens.

And of Meri and her four boys, who need much love and support as they step forward along the fork in the road they had never expected to walk.

May the road rise up to meet them.

a milestone

This week saw Frank pass a childhood milestone by losing the first of his milk teeth.

We had been told by the dentist at least three months ago that the two middle teeth on the bottom row were already wobbly.  We felt them and could feel no difference.

But, lo and behold, Mr Dentist was right!

About two weeks ago Frank burst into tears during our evening stories at bedtime and told me his "tooth has broken in half".  After a good peek in his mouth I explained that he just had a wobbly tooth, just like the dentist had predicted.  He cried for a bit then relaxed and got on with being engrossed by the exploits of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third.

Life continued on and the tooth stayed loose but in place. 
Then  en route to my beloved Cafe Knit in Lavenham, to buy Granny Lily a birthday gift, Frank suddenly began crying again as his tooth felt really, really loose and he was a bit panicked about it coming out and bleeding.  

Inside the lovely, lovely cafe the sweet women working there were very kind to him and chatted to him about losing a tooth being really exciting.  He cheered up and enjoyed his juice but declined cake as it might take his tooth out!

The picture below as the tooth in Cafe Knit!  Sooooo close to out, I cannot believe his ability not to wiggle it out!

 And then the following day he was eating his evening apple before bed and passed me a couple of "hard bits in my apple, Mummy", which I threw in the compost.  

About a minute later my friend, Anne, shrieked that his tooth was out!  She was visiting for the evening for a chat and a green tea and was there for this momentous occasion.

We then went through looking for the tooth on the floor and recalled the hard bits in the apple!

I found the tooth in the compost, a teen tiny thing that is now on the mantelpiece until I find a permanent home for it.

Any ideas?  Where does one keep such an amazing thing?

And here he is, Mr Gappy!

 And laughing as I dried his feet after his bath!

 My beautiful boy, passing this big milestone with a smile and a fresh new £1 coin to go towards his Lego empire ...

Back soon with a recipe for Chocolate Gingerbread!