Sunday 16 May 2010

Dream a little dream ...

When Frank was twelve weeks old we took him to mainland Europe for three months in our camper van, doing a mixture of camping, hotels and staying with friends as we visited Denmark, Germany, Poland, the Czech Republic and the Netherlands.
It was an amazing trip.
He was totally portable and I was breastfeeding.
I had been informed by the medical profession that we could never have children naturally (long story).
I was thirty eight and trying to resign myself to the fact.
I wasn't doing very well at that.
In the Autumn of 2006 I kept feeling so tired that I would fall asleep every afternoon after teaching in the morning.
I was convinced I was ill and joined a gym to get some energy back.
At eight weeks pregnant the penny finally dropped and I took a test.
I sobbed like a mad woman when it came out positive.
Took another and cried again. From that moment I was so full of the sheer joys and possibilities of life that I felt invincible.
I had a fantastic pregnancy and Frank was born without problems.
I felt proud I'd only needed gas and air, especially as he was 8lbs8oz , although I admit they had to prise the gas/air syphon thing out of my hand!
Then when we got home from our great trip my husband suffered a kind of long period of depression, which took a huge toll on me as a new Mum. He couldn't function some days.
It was like having two babies.
Horrible for both of us.
Then he turned a small corner and started to feel better.
A month after that Frank was diagnosed with Type 1.
Forgive me but I cannot dare to "dream a little dream..".
I try to never actively think about the idea of a cure. It is like wishing for the moon.
I will do as much as I can to support research into finding a cure.
I have to use my energy keeping my boy alive and healthy.
It is 21:39pm. Frank sleeps. He has just gone too low in his sleep, no doubt the results of a lovely time out in the woods today. He has had juice.
A cure? I don't dare imagine.
BUT I was told categorically that I would not have children ...
I have a kernel of hope but cannot write about it yet. Too raw. Too huge. Too painful.
I am so lucky to have this amazing little boy in my life, whose energy and diabetes make me a better person every day.
I have had an emotional week this week, the Diabetes Blog Week coinciding with my husband being away.
Writing about diabetes every day has weirdly done me good.
It has forced me to examine my feelings and I find that I am stronger than I thought.
I have met new friends and gained new insight into dealing with this condition.
I have felt a bit abandoned on the one hand but then also SO VERY supported.
With a full heart I thank you all for an unforgettable week.


  1. I just had chills all over when I read that - Frankie is your miracle!

  2. Thanks, Amanda. I try every day to be really mindful and remember how amazing a life I have.

  3. I believe in miracles. I have a few of my own. :) Your story is so moving. I know how hard depression is to deal with. I was in a bad place after my third was diagnosed. I think I cried for 8 months.

    It isn't an easy journey...but so worth it. Your son is absoltely beautiful!

  4. I have 2 little(and growing fast) miracles - We are so lucky. OK A has Diabetes, but he is here and he is ours forever.

  5. Hello Jules, I took the week off from blogging -- time to get back to fiction for me for a while :). Long overdue.

    It sounds like you've had some excitement with Andrew being gone, some tears too, and a lot of reflection. Please know that Franca and I both feel for you all and wish you well. The emotions of raising a child with diabetes are so numerous -- grief, sadness, hope, courage, resilience -- it is hard to choose just one to represent what a parent feels throughout the day. Your blog though says it perfectly. Give yourself a hug.

  6. That was so beautiful and touching, I can imagine how difficult that time was for you and it must be hard to imagine a cure. I hope that both of my daughters and your son, live to see the day when a cure is found, but in the meantime I want to make sure they LIVE...a life full of love, happiness and joy!

    I will always do everything I can to also support research and increase awareness, but I make it a point to not talk about a cure very much to my kids. I worry that I may set my girls up for some kind of dissapointment if they never see the day.

    Thanks for sharing this week, it has been an emotional ride for sure.

    Hugs to you my new friend :)

  7. Very compelling indeed. Yours is noteworthy perspective. Anything can happen and I will remain a little more optimistic because of what you have shared.

  8. That's such a great story for holding out hope! My brother was diagnosed 40 years ago and my son Henry was diagnosed 1 year ago. It's amazing to hear stories from when my brother was diagnosed. He was 12 and my mom had four more kids at home (ranging in age from 2 - 10). She had never heard of diabetes and was never more frightened than when he came home from the hospital.

    We hope for a cure but know that it's wise to focus on keeping Henry (and the whole family!) as healthy as we can on a daily basis. We are SO thankful that managing diabetes has become easier than when my brother was diagnosed. That doesn't mean managing diabetes is easy but my mother's stories make me cringe! How did she do it?

    Thank you for sharing your stories and pictures. I don't have a blog and didn't search out any blogs for the first year but now I'm hooked! I feel like I'm cheating a bit by reading some very fabulous blogs with nothing in return. Some aspects of your life with diabetes and a toddler are different than ours with a young teen but many things are the same. Again, thank you! -Linda

  9. What a beautiful post! I am so glad that you shared your stories for Diabetes Blog Week. I feel as if I have found a new friend & I so look forward to reading more about your journey.

  10. Hi there :-) I live in east Anglia too! Maybe we'll cross paths at some home ed thingy at some point...

    Glad to find you and your blog, brave lady x

  11. My Tummy are my best discovery for maternity wear as they have some really cute designs that are all made in Europe. My favourite are the breastfeeding dresses, but they also do maternity trousers, breastfeeding blouses and lots of other clothing too. They were recommended to me by a friend and I have worn My Tummy all through my pregnancy, and it's great knowing that I can wear some of the clothes as breastfeeding clothes too x